A Teacher is...

So this week, nothing particularly exciting or amazing or wonderful happened. It was just an average week at school, teaching and sharing with my kids. Soooo...I tried to think of what to write about and this is what I came up with! Enjoy!! :D

When I was in my undergraduate classes, we talked about what/who a teacher is. We discussed how teachers spend a huge chunk of the day with their students; and sometimes the students spend more time with their teachers than their actual parents. So, what does this mean for teachers? It means, that a teacher takes on many roles. A teacher is not just a teacher, but a friend, a counselor, a mother/father figure, a confidant, and so much more. And, just because you living in a foreign country does not change this fact. Somehow, over the past year, I have managed to embrace all of these roles in some form or fashion. When I'm in the class, I am "Madam" and I do my best to maintain control while allowing the students to have some fun and laugh a little. Outside of class, we talk, make jokes, and tell stories. The students are always coming up to my desk during break time to hang out with me. Many students, especially in Class VII, have been coming to me with questions about English and Math. A few students have opened up to me about personal problems they're experiencing and I've been blessed to be there for them (it is a very rare thing here for people to express their real emotions). Yeah, we've had a good run together and it's going to be really hard to leave them all so soon.

Just this week, one student was asking me what day I was leaving and another student who standing nearby said "She's not leaving. Nope!" When students make comments like that and "Please don't go madam!!" it makes me want to start crying because I realize how much of an impact I've had on their little lives. It's in those moments I realize that I have succeeded as a teacher, in all of these aspects.

I knew, when coming here, that I wouldn't be able to change the whole world. It's just a bit to big for me. ;) But, I hoped that God would move through my life to change the lives of the people I met here in Morogoro. I'm so blessed that He has allowed me to have such a powerful experience with memories to last a lifetime, and also because I'll be leaving a small mark here that I hope will last beyond my own impending departure.

May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,
~Christine


Haha, sorry for all the repeat photos! I've got to get some more recent ones at school this week and in the last two after that! ;)

Sick of Saying Goodbye

I'm going to try and make a quick update. However, if you go by my previous history in writing blogs, short is not exactly in my writing vocabulary. ;)

On Sunday, for our usual prayer service, our group of missionaries and I had a special goodbye party for three groups/families that were to leave this week. One family has now moved back to the states for good. One family is going home of furlough and will be back after a number of months, and one group is moving to DAR to begin work on a ministry there. We all sang worship songs together and a message was given. Then, we shared a meal of Mexican food and talked a lot. It was a great time of celebration of Jesus' sacrifice and how that has allowed them to be here in Tanazania and how God has done so many great works through them. Though we will miss them, we know that they're all in God's hands and that He will continue to do great things in their lives.

The other big news from the week is that I got a very bad case of a cold or the flu on Wednesday  I managed to teach most of my classes in the morning, but had to go home in the afternoon and was stuck in bed with a very high fever. I continued to be sick on Thursday and Friday, but I still managed to teach all of my classes, even though I went home early each day because I was so exhausted. I'm doing much better now and am praising God that I brought some cold/flu medications with me from the states. By Saturday, I was feeling much better and even managed to play frisbee with the other missionaries. And, today I'm feeling pretty much back to normal (maybe just a little bit tired). 

The students at school are continuing well. Classes V and VI are doing reading units and Class VII is in full swing test preparation mode. I'm really enjoying the reading unit that we're doing in Classes V and VI. I hope that it's not just challenging the kids in English, but in other areas of their lives as well. I started with shorter books like Little Red Riding Hood, Madeline, and Peter Rabbit. All classic stories with easy plots and I wanted a variety of stories that I hoped kids could relate to. 

It was hard to choose a longer, chapter book that I thought would be interesting and relatable for the students. Although we have many books, a lot of them are written from such a western mindset that it's hard for the students to relate to them. Of course it's still good exposure for them to read those things, but I wanted to choose a book that we could do a lot with. After much consideration, I chose a book about the Holocaust called Number the Stars by Lois Lowry. I guess it does seem like a strange topic to teach students in Africa, but there are a lot of very relevant aspects. First of all, the book is historical, so it's easy to teach "this is what happened" and give more background and understanding. Also, I thought they could relate to things like power outages and food shortages. And it's not about America. The kids hear, talk about, read about, think about, etc. America so much. Everyone in Tanzania wants to go to America because it's the place where "all your dreams will come true for FREE!" I want the kids to learn some things about other places in the world too!

But, the biggest thing I want them to get out of this, though, are the great lessons that can be learned from what happened as a result of hatred and those which are the results of love in this story. The main character of the story, Annemarie, and her Christian family go out of their way to protect their Jewish friends from the violence of the German soldiers. I want my students to learn from their actions of bravery and courage. I want them to realize that she was only just their age and that they also have some power. Things between Muslims and Christians hang on a thin line sometimes. Even since I have been here there have been multiple incidents of violence between the two groups (none of them in Morogoro, thankfully). Most recently, as in within the past week, there was a bombing of a Catholic church in Arusha. I want my students to consider the things that have happened in the past as a result of hatred so that they can learn from the mistakes of others. I want them to consider how they can try and live in peace with each other and help each other in the future instead of taking part in the violence. I want them to consider Annemarie's actions of love and bravery and strive to be like her if and when things get tough. I want this to be my final challenge before I go. 

Here are some pictures of the reading unit!

Drawing pictures of Madeline.

Break Time!! (And the students are still reading) :D

That's all for now! Hope it wasn't too long! ;)

May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,

~Christine

What is Poverty?

Living in a place where there is poverty all around me, and where I am basically living as the people are living, has caused me to question what exactly is poverty? From a western mind-set, poverty is a lack of material goods. And while this is true, that is only the tip of the iceberg. I've talked to people here and I've discussed the issue with other missionaries and this is what I've come up with.

Poverty is a lack of material goods. Poverty means not eating some days of the week for lack of funds. It means that parents can't send their children to school, or buy new clothes for them when they outgrow their old ones. It means that some people walk many miles every day to get water for their families. It means that people die from preventable diseases because they can't afford the medicines needed to cure it. To me, I would call these the external poverties.

But I think that the thing which harms people even more than these external poverties is something I'll refer to as the "poverty of the mind" that plagues people in underdeveloped countries. This is a mindset of poverty; a feeling that you have no power to do anything that can change how things are. People see problems and they don't do anything about it. Instead, they blame the government for their problems, and they say that the government should do more. Many people can see that the government is corrupt, but people here don't vote; especially not young people. Even if they don't like the government, they don't vote because they don't think that their vote will count for anything. Or, they think that even if they do vote, corrupt people will just change the situation. So the problem gets worse because no is doing anything to change the government or the problems that they see.

From what I can tell, all of this comes down to one thing: people don't feel like they have the power to change anything because their own situations are so desperate. People feel like they don't have the resources to bring about change and a better way of life, so they just don't do anything and accept the way things are. Or, worse, they just wait until someone comes in and "saves the day" by fixing the problem for them. And yes, by others coming in to help, it seems to be fixing the problem, but really it's like putting a bandage over a wound and not actually treating the infection that is raging inside. People are afraid to try and do something for themselves and they just wait until someone does it for them.

Sometimes I see this in class. There are certain students who always call me over saying "Madam I don't understand!" even after I've just explained how to do it and given examples. I try to refer them back to the examples and guide them through another one to make sure they're on track. But, I refuse to just give up the answers. I want them to do their own work. I want them to feel proud of themselves for accomplishing something. I don't want my students to feel like they can't do anything. I don't want them to think that they don't have any power to change the world around themselves. I want them to see that they are intelligent and that they have good ideas. I've done some journals with them concerning changing the world and things they can do to change what they see around themselves. I've even done a journal entry about what they would do if they were the president and how they could change the situations for people. I want them to start thinking about these things now, while they're young. I want to sow the seeds of change in their hearts now and I pray that they will grow inside those kids.

When I first came to Tanzania, my goal was to teach kids English and that was all. But now, my teaching has become so much more than that. While I am still teaching English, my goals have become more about personal development. I want the kids to explore and express themselves and the things that they want. I want to challenge the kids to think about things in new ways about things. I want my students to question things so that they can come to greater understandings about themselves and the world in which they live. I'm not sure when this change happened; I think it was a gradual thing, but I praise God that I get to teach English because it is a subject that lends itself towards self expression. I hope and pray that somehow this is the difference that I will make. Yes, it's good to teach them about grammar and tenses. Yes, it's good if they pass their exams and get into graduate school. But, to me, the great thing is the development of the person and new ideas. I hope that will be my legacy here.

May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,
~Christine

Ilula X2

This past weekend was a three day weekend because of the sikukuu (holiday) to celebrate the union of Taganyika and Zanzibar. So, my friend Anne and I decided that we would travel to Ilula. Ever since I visited in February I've been wanting to go back and after I told her about the place, my friend said that she would really like to visit there as well.

We left Morogoro on Thursday after school by bus. It was a very crowded bus and reminded me more of a daladala since there were so many people sitting in the isles (which I've found is not so very common with the big charter buses that travel long distances). Needless to say, it was an uncomfortable ride and I was very glad when we were approaching our drop point. The only problem was that the conductor didn't understand where we wanted to drop. My Swahili may not be so great, but Anne has amazing Swahili and we were still having problems. In any case, somehow by the grace of God, they understood that we wanted to go see Berit (who is known all over Tanzania because of her work) and they dropped us off right at the road that leads up to IOP. We arrive late, so we didn't get to do much that day.

On Friday, the five volunteers, some of the girls from the orphanage, Anne, and I all went to a place called Isimila. This is a beautiful canyon not far from Iringa town that recently (if I remember correctly) has become a national park. Luckily for us, Berit knew of someone who would be willing to guide us through the park and she had set everything up for us. I took just over an hour on a daladala to reach Iringa town and then we had to get on another daladala for about 30 minutes. Literally, we were dropped off in the middle of nowhere. There were like two buildings and a bunch of farms and one dirt road. We walked down the road for less than a mile and reached the entrance to the canyon. There we met our guide who showed us the small museum there and then we walked through the canyon itself. Really it was quite beautiful and so peaceful since we were the only ones there. The canyon reminded me a lot of Bryce National Park because of the tall columns in the middle. Here are some pictures of what we saw:

The girls from the orphanage who came with us!

Yup, that's right. It's a chameleon!! :D

On our way back, we got the chance to walk around Iringa town. It's smaller than Morogoro, but it's still pretty nice. There is a wonderful little cafe there called Neema Craft which was started by a British couple. They serve all kinds of baked goods and specialty drinks; even smoothies!!! They also have a shop with all kinds of cute crafts made from recycled goods and other things you can find in Tanzania. All of the workers there are deaf, and they had some charts with some sign language diagrams for the customers. It's truly an amazing place that is having a great impact on the people with special needs in Tanzania!

On Saturday, one of the girls who grew up at IOP gave us a tour around the entire IOP site. Having already been once before, I knew all of the programs that they offered, but it was cool to see that things have progressed since I was there just a few months ago. Anne asked her to give us the tour only in Swahili so that we could practice. I was amazed how much I could understand, but it does get tiring listening and trying to translate Swahili so much. The whole tour took maybe 3 hours or so!! That's a LOT of Swahili.
In the afternoon, I remained at IOP and Anne went to town to meet some friends. I stayed behind and helped one of the girls with math. She's in secondary school and is struggling a lot, so Berit asked if I could try and help her. Also, the volunteers put on a series of activities like a treasure hunt for the girls and I helped them with that. I forgot to bring my camera, so I unfortunately didn't get any pictures, but we had a lot of fun none the less.

The girls danced to welcome us to IOP

A sitting area for the girls to rest in.

This is the chicken house that was under construction the last time I was at Ilula.
Now it houses a few hundred chickens! 

A picture from up at The Lord's Hill High School 

Before church on Sunday I jogged, and unfortunately twisted my ankle (again!). Seriously, my ankle is so terrible messed up now from running on the uneven surfaces. It's so easy, even when walking to accidentally make a wrong step. Luckily, it's not a bad twist and it doesn't hurt at all. So, I was able to walk up to where Kjirstin and I planted our sunflower seeds the last time we were in Ilula. It was SUPER exciting to see the results of our hard labor!!

 Me and the sunflowers that grew from the seeds I planted last time I was in Ilula

For Sunday School, Anne and I got to teach the lesson. Berit had a puzzle with pictures of the story of Noah. So we used that to help us tell the story. I told the story in English and she translated it into Swahili. It was really fun. After we told the story and talked about the lessons we can learn from Noah, we took the whole puzzle apart and put it back together with the kids. It was really fun! 

Also, I was asked to sing during the special music part of the service when the choirs are coming up to sing. Last time we were there, I was caught off guard when Berit asked me in the middle of the service if I would sing, but this time I was more prepared for that to happen. So, I sang a song that is based off of 1 Corinthians 13 which is really nice and a particular favorite of mine.

Telling the story of Noah

Putting the puzzle back together again with the kids!

After church, Anne and I returned to IOP for lunch and then prepared to go. We waited at the bus stop at Masukanzi for over an hour while the guy who works there tried to flag a bus for us. But, all of the buses which were passing by were full and once it got to be about 4pm, I was feeling like it was getting too late because most buses were going all the way to DAR which is about 8 hours from Ilula. The guy even tried to wave down mini-buses and private cars for us, but we were still not having luck. Suddenly, a guy stopped in his truck and offered to take us. Normally, I'm not a fan of the idea of riding with a strange person, and I know that it's especially important to be careful here seeing as I'm white and all. But, somehow I felt OK about the situation; I'm not really sure how to describe it any other way.
Really and truly, I think this man must be a very wealthy Tanzanian. The truck was practically brand new and very clean, he had a super nice phone, and even mentioned visiting his sister who is now living in Austria. Honestly, I don't think we could've asked for a more comfortable ride back to Morogoro. He didn't play the music too loud (which is quite common here) and he didn't ask too many questions or for our phone numbers or email addresses (which is something that strangers seem to always ask me for). It turns out that he went to secondary school at the Seminary where Anne is working and they talked about the people they both know there which was kind of a cool connection.
When we arrived in Morogoro, it was dark already and he even drove all the way out to the seminary to drop Anne off before dropping me off at my house. He refused to take the money that we offered.
I was simply amazed by this, and I feel like he must have been an angel sent by God just for that purpose. I mean, who does something like that and doesn't expect anything in return, even when offered? The whole experience really blew me away.

Well, that's about all for now. It's May tomorrow which only leaves me 1 1/2 months here (and only 5 of those weeks will be for school). Somehow I thought it was never going to end, but now it's becoming more and more real every day. Even the kids are starting to talk about it now and I wish they wouldn't just because I'm not sure I'm ready to face the fact yet. I just keep telling them "But we're together now, so let's enjoy what we've got left instead of mourning over the departure." I'd rather go out singing than crying!

May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,
~Christine

Slowly Saying Goodbye

**WARNING** This blog consists of lots of rambling. ;)

I keep having these realizations that soon my life here is going to come to a close. This chapter of life is finishing and the new one will soon be beginning. Honestly, I'm not sure what's next for me. Things aren't shaping up too well for graduate school, but somehow God has blessed me with a peace that surpasses all understanding. Seriously, I normally would be (and probably should be) totally freaking out right now. I've been rejected from two programs, wait listed from a third, and haven't even heard from the fourth. In the past I've always like clear-cut paths. I'm a planner. I like to know what's going to happen, when it's going to happen, how it's going to happen, down to the very last detail. I guess being in Tanzania has changed that about me; I've really had to learn how to be flexible and open to changes. I mean, last year, our school time-table made at least 4 or 5 changes throughout the year (and not just small changes; I'm talking big changes), and I can't tell you how many times I found out the day before that "We won't be having school tomorrow." Yeah, I've changed. And not just in this one way. I feel like I've been challenged physically, mentally, emotionally, and in pretty much every other way possible beyond any previous life experience. And it's been really hard, but I've survived.

So now here I am, just under two months before I leave, and still not quite believing that it's actually happening. Seriously, where has the time gone? Why is it still racing forward at break-neck speed? Can I pause it, just for a minute so that I can take in everything for the last time? Compared to what has already happened in the last year and four months, these last 8 or so weeks here are simply a drop in the bucket. They are the final footprints that I will leave behind. They are my chance to say good-bye. I'm making my last trips, buying my last fabric for kitenges and dresses to bring home, purchasing the last souvenirs to give away as gifts or keep for myself as tokens of my experience, and I'm making my last effort to cram as much knowledge into the minds of my students as I possibly can. Slowly, I am saying goodbye. Slowly, I'm allowing myself to let go.

It hits me at random times, like slow raindrops before the storm takes over. I think "Oh wow! I'm going back to America soon!" I'll be able to eat whatever kinds of food I like, I can get a haircut, I can get my new tennis shoes that are waiting for me at my house, I can drink water out of the faucet, I could wear shorts again if I wanted to! But, it hasn't quite hit me yet that going there means leaving here; that I can't have both at the same time.

It's time to leave. I know in the depths of my heart that it is. When I compare how I felt at this time last year to how I'm feeling now, I know that God is calling me back to the states. Plus, my stock of American goods is running pretty low. My stash of "exotic teas" is almost finished. My tennis shoes have been repaired twice and have gone well over 600 miles in addition to playing frisbee and volleyball. My hair is longer than it's been in quite some time and looking pretty shabby. It's almost embarasing to have it down. The excitement about speaking Swahili is wearing off a bit and I'm ready to be in an "English only" or at least an "English mostly" country. I've seen the sites all over the country. I've smelled the smells (which are not always quite pleasant). I've tasted the food (or in some cases force-fed myself; as in the month when all lunches and dinners consisted of only beans and rice). I didn't just come to Tanzania, I LIVED Tanzania. And I am so thankful and blessed because of it.

I feel good about the progress my students have made. I feel like an accomplished teacher and I'm glad that I never followed through on my vow to "never teach". I think God laughed at that; I think He laughs at me a lot sometimes (meaning, all the time). But, that's ok. I'm living and learning, just like everyone else. I love these kids so much; all I want is their future success. This has challenged me very much as a teacher to expand my curriculum to include other activities that will give them a more rounded English education. I've tried to take every chance I have to speak words of encouragement and belief into their lives. I want them to know that they have power to change their world and that they have the chance to make choices; be they good or bad. I've tried to force them to think about things in new ways (especially through my journal topics).  I've tried to challenge them with vocabulary because I believe that is the key to fully understanding a language. I'm working with them on reading, the parts of a story, and comprehension. I've worked with them on writing and how to construct a sentence or a paragraph. The students in Classes VI and VII have even written essays. They don't know that that's what they've done, but it is. I remember where we started last year in January and it was terribly overwhelming to realize how much we needed to cover. But, we took it one step at a time, and I can see and hear the difference. That is the rewarding part of being a teacher: knowing what your students have accomplished and realizing that it was them who did it; all you had to do was them there.

So yes, it's time to go. And I'm thankful that I get to say goodbye slowly. I'm glad there's time for me to close things down the way I want them to be. I'm happy with the way things have turned out. Praise God!!

May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,
~Christine

Back at School

Wow! The first week back at school certainly was crazy! It feels like a month has passed and not just a week. Here's the latest news on the goings on here in Morogoro:

Kjirstin has officially returned to her home safely. The kids certainly miss her and I think that everyone has been asking me about her and how she is doing. Some even want me to call her while we're all at school so they can talk to her. The only problems with this plan are 1) the time change, 2) I own the cheapest phone I could possibly purchase here and I'm not sure it's capable of international phone calls, and 3) Lord only knows how much such a phone call would cost!!

I received some big news this week when I was emailed the list of donations that were made to myself and other UMC volunteer missionaries. I have finished raising the amount of money to cover my costs of living here in Morogoro for the year!! I am so blessed and excited because so far I've even received a little bit more than what I was asking for to cover my costs. This means that that little bit extra along with other donations given to me in the next two months will be given to my site here to help with construction costs at the school and the church!! I'm SOOO excited about this!! :D

Nathan, the pastor's youngest son and one of my former students, came home from secondary school last week on Saturday evening! He got back so late that I didn't get to see him until Sunday at church. It has been so great to see him again and see that he is doing well. It seems that he is progressing well at school and is having a good time, but I think he misses home a lot. It's hard enough to move away from home when you're 18 going to college, but he's only 13! Sometimes I forget how young these kids actually are. In so many ways they act and seem so much older to me and it's because they have to. So much responsibility is given to such young children. Of course, in other ways they act just their age and I'm glad that they have the chance to have fun and be kids!! As for Nathan and I, we watched Iron Man and The Avengers and have decided that we'll watch the other movies like Captain America and Thor when he returns in June.

The week at school progressed as normal. There have been some schedule changes because they had to divide Class I. There were so many kids in that class and the parents were complaining. Thus, the school was forced to quickly build a new classroom for those kids. And I'm not kidding when I say quickly! It's like the new building just sprang up overnight! It's not finished, though, because of money issues, but it's got everything they need a classroom to have. The teachers who were teaching those classes were really overwhelmed after the division, so some teachers who were teaching the upper grades have been shifted down. As for me, I am remaining with the same classes as before and I'm 100% fine with that! I've got enough students, grading, and marking to do as it is (maybe even too much).

Class V has begun their reading unit. So far it's been really fun! I'm starting slowly with some short, children's books that have good plots. I'm reading the books to the class and then we're taking it all apart: title, author, illustrator, characters, story vocabulary, questions, plot, setting, etc. We're even doing coloring!! We started with the story of Little Red Riding Hood and the kids had to draw six small pictures of what happened in the plot. They had SO much fun with it!! We've started Madeline and next we're going to graduate to a short chapter book. My hope is that we'll have enough time for them to be able to do their own book reports with a partner. Then they can report on it to the class!

With Class VII, I'm about to start a different type of reading unit. I've searched online and found websites with all kinds of short passages with comprehension questions. I've been copying and pasting them all into one word document and this weekend I printed them off in town. Thus, the students will all have their own copies of the passages and I've got the questions. I'm going to write the questions on the board for the students to copy and answer. I'm really excited about this because I feel like reading is a struggle for the students and reading comprehension is not something that always comes very easily. I tried to get a variety of passages which are written for different grade levels (everything from 4th grade to 8th grade) and ones of different topics. It was sometimes difficult to find ones that I felt like the students could relate to well enough. A lot of the passages really reflected a western mindset or talked about things in America. I basically ended up picking all the non-fiction passages.

As for news of the weekend I've been really busy. It feels like I haven't stopped at all!! I did my shopping in town, dropped off my tennis shoes to be repaired (again), ran, played frisbee, got stuff copied for Class VII, today was Madam Ngoy's birthday (pastor's wife) so we had a celebration at lunch time, Nathan and I have been watching movies, English Choir has been meeting again and we've gained some new members, etc. Today was Nathan's last day in Morogoro before returning to school, so I said goodbye to him and I'm praying that his break in June will start before I leave Tanzania! Apparently, though, he won't find out until later, but everyone is pretty confident that he'll be back before mid-June.

Well, that's all the updates for now! Hope you're having a wonderful and restful weekend!!

May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,
~Christine

Struggles of Being a Volunteer Missionary

Since I first arrived here, I can see how much I've grown as a person, how much my attitude towards missions has changed, and how I view my life here now as opposed to when I first arrived. It hasn't always been an easy road, but it hasn't been a terrible road either.

So many things have become habits, normal, natural parts of life. Things like being water conscious and always making sure that the buckets are full. And always making sure that I'm dressed appropriately and that my knees are covered. Wearing kitenges (wrap skirts) is second nature, even around my house where I'm not required to dress "Tanzanian appropriate". Even speaking Swahili has become easier and so many of the greetings and common sayings like "pole" (sorry), "karibu" (you are welcome), "asante" (thank you), "Bwana asifiwe" (praise God), etc. are second nature. I know where to go to get my American foods, I know how to get a package from the post office, I know the routine for riding the daladalas into town, and I've even become accustomed to traveling around Tanzania using the bus system. And, as hard as it can be to be away from family and friends, there are so many ways to communicate with them. Skype isn't always the best, but it still allows us to hear each other's voices and sometimes we even get to see each other! (if the internet is working well that day)

But there are some things that you never truly get used to. There are some things that are deeper in you, some things that you can't seem to let go of. And before I continue any further, I feel the need to write some kind of disclaimer. This is still something I'm still trying to work through and understand (and maybe I'm not meant to fully understand it). Thus, some of this may not come out in the best way, but I still feel the desire to share it with you because it's a real (and rather messy) part of missionary life. Of course, if you have questions you are welcome to post comments or send me an email and I'll do my best to clarify anything. :)

For me, the hardest part of being a missionary is how people here see me; what people see when they see any "mzungu" (white person). For so many here, that's my name. They see me and they yell out "Hey mzungu!" Sometimes they just stare at me and keep staring. It's not even a polite, slightly interested stare. It's a full out, pointed stare. It hurts a lot sometimes, realizing that people here only see my white skin and nothing else. It makes me feel less than human. Often I find myself looking down because I don't want to see them staring anymore and I pretend I can't understand Swahili so that I don't have to respond to them. Maybe it's a bad habit, I'm not really sure.

I know what my white skin represents here: wealth, prosperity, health, three or four houses, ten cars, and endless bank account, everything perfect, everything beautiful, nothing wrong. And the fact of the matter is, it's not a true assumption. There is poverty in every country; there is poverty in America; there are white people in this world who are impoverished. (this is a shocking idea to most people here) My life is not perfect and not everything is beautiful. I certainly wasn't impoverished, but I was working two minimum wage jobs and living with my parents before I came here. By American standards, I was at the bottom. And then I moved here and I suddenly found myself at the top. It has been a really hard transition for me to make. I know that no matter what my self concept or situation was in the states, it was not even close to the position that so many people face here. And yet it's hard for me to accept this change in status because it doesn't match up with how I see myself. Especially when I haven't received any salary since I've gotten here and the real reason I'm able to be here is based on donations from friends, family, and church.

I try to live as simply as I can here. I was living with the pastor and his family, but now I'm renting a small, Tanzanian-style home. I don't have a car, a pikipiki (motorcycle), or even a bicycle. I've hardly bought any new clothes. So far, I've only gotten two dresses made since I've been here and I've had to buy a pair of shoes because so many of my shoes have been completely destroyed by having to walk everywhere on bad dirt roads (out of the 5 pairs of shoes I brought, only one pair is in good enough shape to make it back to the states. The others have been super glued together and sent to the shoe repair guy multiple times). I don't have a water heater (if I want hot water I've got to heat it myself by using the hot pot, or if the electricity is out, I have to heat it in a pan over the small kerosene jiko I have). I don't have air conditioning. I hand wash my clothes, I eat a lot of Tanzanian food (more than I'd ever like to sometimes), and my house is sparsely furnished. It's hard for my mind to merge this with the idea of "rich mzungu" in a way that makes sense.

So on the one hand, I feel like all people can see about me is my supposed "wealth". That's not what I'm here to try and tell or show people. Yes, Jesus can bless our lives, but He can also choose not to bless our lives. I'm not here to preach the "health and wealth gospel". And yet, on the other hand I feel like the above paragraph only points to me. It sounds self-righteous and like I'm trying to say "Hey! Look at me! Look at how much I've sacrificed!" I don't want my life or my mission here to be about that either. I want my life to point to Jesus and to His wonderful provision. I want people to see how He is the one who has carried me through the lowest points in my life and rejoiced with me in the highest points. I want people to see that all these material things we cling to and say "I can't live without ____" are not actually necessary. In our lives, our situations, our wealth, or our lack, God is what is meaningful. It is possible to live without electricity, consistent running water, air conditioning, etc. I don't want people to see a "rich white girl", but I don't want them to see someone who is self righteous either. And it's a hard balance in addition to the balance of living between two extremely opposite cultures. I'm not sure if there really is a real and defined solution to this issue.

Of course, I must add that it's not everyone who treats me like this. When things like this start to overwhelm me or get me down, I remind myself of Pastor and his family, all of my students, my fellow teachers, and the members of our church. These are the people who have gotten a chance to know me. These are the people who see me as more than just a white person. I praise and thank God for these people who have been so good to me. Who having so little, have opened their arms and given me so much. I know that we can never truly be able to understand one another. There are some things that are just so culturally different that it's just short of impossible to bridge the gap. But, I hope that I have given them something in return and that all the struggles of life here are worth it. I hope that through all the mistakes and failures, I've managed to represent God in a good and true way.

May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,
~Christine